A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it too.
Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
・attend a sleepover
・have a playdate
・be in a school play
・complain about not being in a school play
・watch TV or play computer games
・choose their own extracurricular activities
・get any grade less than A
・not be the #1 student in every subject except gym and drama
・play any instrument other than the piano or violin
・not play the piano or violin
First, I’ve noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children’s self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children’s psyches. Chinese parents aren’t. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.
Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it’s probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (p53)
Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children’s own desires and preference. That’s why Chinese daughters can’t have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can’t go to sleep-away camp. (p53)
This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones.But instead, it’s about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.